Many of us grew up hearing “do all things without grumbling or disputing” (Phil. 2:24) and took it to mean that we ought never complain about how things are going.

Or one of the many cultural idioms:
’You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit’
’Say something nice or don’t say anything at all’
’Don’t complain, just work harder’
Or any host of other sayings…

But what are the words ‘grumble’ and ‘dispute’ actually getting at?

I think a lot of us heard that a ‘good’ Christians need not speak up, but do better by being passive and letting others have their way - even when it’s harmful.

I don’t think that’s what Paul was talking about though.

The idea behind ‘grumbling’ isn’t complaining, but having a ‘secret debate’. Meaning, if you have a problem with a specific person or situation, don’t just fuss about it behind their backs, but instead, actually deal with the person or situation you take issue with. You might also understand grumbling as having contempt or resentment, which I’ve heard referred to as ‘drinking poison and hoping someone else gets sick’.

So what does it mean to not ‘dispute’? Does this mean that you just go along with the get along? Stay quiet and hope things magically work out? I think some of us, especially southern church goers, have been led to believe that if you confront someone in love, and they get upset about it, then you’ve created a dispute…and so you’re better off just keeping quiet because people aren’t typically very good at hearing complaints, espeicially about themselves. Jesus uses this same phrase to describe religous leaders who were fussing about him behind his back (Luke 5:22). It’s also used to describe his disciplings arguing about who of them is best (Luke 9:46), as well as to describe folks who argue with each other about whose opinion is right (Rom. 14:1).

To ‘not dispute’ doesn’t mean that you should ‘say something nice or say nothing at all’. It means that you ought not to hold your opinions, interpretations, or viewpoints as the end all be all, especially over and against others. Again, just like with grumbling, it means that you definitely don’t do so behind others backs. The misinterpretation of this idea has developed far too many copdendents rather than Christ followers.

If you’ve got a problem with someone, it means that you’re best to take it to that person, deal with them graciously, and be willing for them to get upset.

The Christian life isn’t about people-pleasing, just as it’s not about offending people off for the sake of upsetting them.

Jesus is clear about going straight to people, and in love, telling them what we think (Luke 17, Matthew 5, 7, 18, etc., etc.). This also comes up so frequently throughout the epistles, it’s amazing how often we twist it up.

So, the next time someone or some situation offends you

1. Check yourself, your motives, your triggers
2. Don’t just fuss about them behind their back
3. Figure out how you can best approach with love (which includes boundaries)
3. Again, don’t just stir things up without dealing with them straight up
4. Approach the folks involved with gentleness, firmness, and no expectations

P.S. When it doesn’t go well, either start this process over, or move on. As they say in 12-step rooms, nothing changes if nothing changes.

For more articles about dealing with conflict, look HERE